You created a new system of living. I tried to understand it so hard. I walked so far away in my attempt to comply. Every time I got a new shock. I was pushed beyond boundaries, I persisted, I fell, I stood up again, and walked, and ran and tried to catch up.
Things came along. I forgot about it. I was walking, sitting, doing fine. And then you pushed me again, and I crumbled.

I prayed. I was helpless. I shouted for help. I cried in private. I tried to tell about it to people. I tried to fill my life with noise. I failed. I kept doing it for a while. I met people. They said different things. The loss became a form of thought. I looked at the same problem from different perspectives. Racked my brain. Tried to manage my emotions. I couldn't succeed.

Other folks stopped listening to me. I kept looking for someone, some second mind who can think for me. Someone who can feel what I was going through. No. I was supposed to have it all by myself. They would not understand, most of them were different. They cannot even imagine They would probably mock among themselves.

At times, I feel this much of wrong won't go unpunished. And that is the only hope and redemption I shall live with.

In life, there are times when you feel even the biggest loser seems to be doing better than you. It's that time when you need to hold on, have faith in yourself, and let things move as they want to. When no amount of efforts seem to be worth the pain, it's alright to relax and go soft on yourself. It's at this time that you get to feel the warmth of family and human relations. You get to meet people who support you for the rest of your life (buddy) and you get to know that fools do rule parts of the world (arrogant statement #2). 

It's also at this time that small achievements like shedding a couple of extra kilos can boost your ego, and the compliments can make you believe you can do it, no matter what. 

Yes! That's it!

Dil

Tera saath bhi nai

Tujhse doori bhi nai

Dil pe laga hai ghaav

Itna kyun hai mujhe tuhjse lagaav?

Dimaag chahta hain tod doon ye bandishe

Bhool jaun sari ranjishen

Par kya hai ye itna asan

Jab dil ka svabaav hi ho nadan?

Na jane kyun tujhse pare kuch dekhne ka man nai karta

Apne pyaar se door jane se kiska dil nai darta

Sab kuch hai meri duniya mein

Bas ek tu hi nahin hai

Na jane kyun itna mushkil hai dil ko samjhana

Tu ek aam admi hi toh hai

Ye tark bhi iss dil ne ansuna kar diya 

Jane kya samjhega ye pagal jiya

Bas kuch thana hai iss baar

Pahunchana hai apni kagaar

Dil tu mujhe phir se dhokha na de dena. Mujhe kar dena apna maksad poora.

Secrets: Let go ?

There are certain secrets which you do not want to share with anybody. Many a times, the secrets are about your life, and you fear that sharing them with people will bring a lot of unwanted judgement onto you. You keep them inside, and live with the feeling of loneliness about not having anyone to trust in the entire world to share it with. I had one such secret, which I have let go to a very close set of friends, after giving it a lot of thought - being open to their judgement on me and talking about it openly if need be.

I must say - it makes me feel a lot better. It provides this immense confidence and freedom. More that freedom, it helped me free up my energy from a lot of unnecessary emotional baggage that I was carrying. And thus I could avail a big chunk of my time in pursuing activities as before (the secret happened in my live). It feels great - about sharing the secret, and mostly about having that confidence back.

So if you are holding onto some secrets, and are caught up, find that someone with whom you can share it. It might not be even too relevant for them to know about it. They will forget it in the humdrum and hectic schedule of their lives. The best part would be that you will be able to come back to yourself - rid yourself of unwanted thoughts, and just see them as past events/impressions which do not cling to you anymore.

I don't want to be preachy on my blog. I hope this articles comes across as another experience sharing rather  than a pravachan :)

Life is about meeting new people. It's also about choosing few people from this large set. There's something that I wrote about someone who is a complete idiot, but is one of the best and perfect idiots! Very fact based since I suck at imagery in poetic expressions!

For all the smiles and fun

For all the laughter and pun

For all the outings and food

For always being this dude!

For being there in tough times

For lending even the last of your dimes

For being the shoulder to fall back on

For being the one who's there when everyone is gone

For being the pseudo roomie

For not letting me be ever too gloomy

For always going that extra mile

For wearing that wonderful smile

For learning the punjabi tadka

For being the typical bong ladka

For the words from Punjab you could never learn

For the five rivers meet you yearn!

P.S-Risking my reputation for you! The poem does sound a bit gay!

On being sad

I am feeling very weird today. I can't even attempt to describe this emptiness. I want to go away from this place, somewhere, where I can be with people without any hesitation. Where there is some meaning in being with people and not merely insincere talking and hanging out just for the sake of it. Where someone cares for another one without any self interest. Where I can be inspired by something. Where I can find my role model. Where I am able to express myself, find myself .

Grandma!

I have a grandma. I call her mata. She does not remember when she was born and hence its tough to calculate her age. But as per my estimate, she is somewhere in her eighties.

One night when I was at home, it was around 1'o clock when I was watching a movie in the living room. Right next to the living is mata's room. It was earlier in the newly extended part of the living room. I could hear her voice from the room. She was kind of whining somehow. I went upto her and she needed help. She gets this thing which is called pitti uchalana in hindi, in which you get red spots on the body and you feel like itching.It was on the side of the stomach this time. She clould not sleep because of that. What made it worse was that because of the paralysis attack that she sufferred about a decade back, she is unable to move her hands freely. This restriction sometimes  does not allow her to itch herself when its at places like the back or close to the back. I applied some coconut oil as she directed me to. While I was doing that, she was praying to God to take her away. I had tears in my eyes. I was helpless. Mom told me that grandma could not sleep the entire night because of that.
Can misery be controlled?