On being sad

I am feeling very weird today. I can't even attempt to describe this emptiness. I want to go away from this place, somewhere, where I can be with people without any hesitation. Where there is some meaning in being with people and not merely insincere talking and hanging out just for the sake of it. Where someone cares for another one without any self interest. Where I can be inspired by something. Where I can find my role model. Where I am able to express myself, find myself .

Grandma!

I have a grandma. I call her mata. She does not remember when she was born and hence its tough to calculate her age. But as per my estimate, she is somewhere in her eighties.

One night when I was at home, it was around 1'o clock when I was watching a movie in the living room. Right next to the living is mata's room. It was earlier in the newly extended part of the living room. I could hear her voice from the room. She was kind of whining somehow. I went upto her and she needed help. She gets this thing which is called pitti uchalana in hindi, in which you get red spots on the body and you feel like itching.It was on the side of the stomach this time. She clould not sleep because of that. What made it worse was that because of the paralysis attack that she sufferred about a decade back, she is unable to move her hands freely. This restriction sometimes  does not allow her to itch herself when its at places like the back or close to the back. I applied some coconut oil as she directed me to. While I was doing that, she was praying to God to take her away. I had tears in my eyes. I was helpless. Mom told me that grandma could not sleep the entire night because of that.
Can misery be controlled? 

When the loneliness turned into shame

I have only you to turn to

You made me what I am today. 

You are the source of my joy and breath

I thought this yearning would end soon

It only got worse than before

These flames are out there to consume me

Kill them before they kill me

You have to speak up and light the candle

The candle to show me the path

My faith in you has only grown stronger

Yours is the ultimate acceptance I seek.

I recently attended an Advance Course at the Bangalore Ashram of the Art of Living Foundation. And yes, the course was simply SUPERB!! I made a lot of young friends. In fact the young population visibly dominates the middle aged and old demography. Theres  so much that I have in mind as I sit down to write this post.

Vishalakshi Mantap at the Bagalore Ashram

About the course, the meditations were awesome. We had two sessions daily-10 am to 12 30 pm and 3 pm to 5 pm. Yes!! Most of the time was spent meditating during the sessions! And we had a yoga session in the morning too, which always ended up leaving us in a state of meditation, which we realised when we opened our eyes after two hours of yoga!! Something very amusing about our course was our teachers! They were grey haired grannies, and I was somewhat skeptical of their abiltiy to teach such young participants-blame the generation gap effect! But to my surprise, they were awesome! They were personally invited by Guruji to be AOL teachers way back in mid 1990's and they did a wonderful job of leading us into the most beautiful, profound and interesting processes and meditations which cleansed a good amount of emotional and intellectual garbage from the heart and mind! I also got a chance to review the Sahaj Samadhi technique during the advance course. Last year, I experienced that the technique was mind blowing but could not continue because I did not feel confident of being able too meditate without a guided meditation tape running in the background. But this time, all my hesitations dropped on their own and I am in love with this magical process. Its definitely the most effortless way of meditating and yes it works 100%.

The other and the best part of the visit to the ashram was time spent with Guruji. It was as if he took care of things right from the beginning. Before I landed at the Bengaluru airport, I was worried about the money I would have to spend for a cab to the ashram. From 1400, the cab guy came down to 700. The guy who was sharing the cab with me belonged to Meerut and we got along well on the way.  He even asked me to call him once I am done with the course so that he could show me around the city. I was like woww!! And then as soon as I entered the ashram at around 12 am, I got to meet Guruji :D :D We had several satsangs with him. He smiled at me everytime I waited for him in the line and one day when I asked him a question, he said, stop eating junk food! It was in no way related to my question but I had been wondering two days back that will Guruji not say anything to me about the weight that I had put on! And here he was advising me about weighty issues!

During my course, I tried to meet him a number of times; I wanted to have a one-on-one talk with him. I myself did not know what to talk about but my mind reasoned that he was my Guru and I had every right to talk to my Guru while he is alive. A true Guru must give time to his disciples when they wish to meet him. But everytime I tried to meet him, I was ignored when he looked at others or pushed behind. I decided that I was being a fool. AOL is a highly corporate kind of body just interested in selling their products. There is no grace and no prayers are ever answered. The Guru is a hoax! Yes! I was doubting the Guru 100%. Well, it was 9 pm and we had a video session a 9 15pm. As I walked towards the hall, I began to reason that I should not be week and should just learn the techniques, make the most of my money and move out of the ashram. And as we listened to the video of Guruji, he started speaking on Doubts in the mind while on the path. And bang!! There he was speaking on doubts regarding the master. And I got my answers. Next day, I got a chance to spend about ten minutes walking with him, while he was running and talking to people on the way. When he left finally, I experienced the most light state of my being. I was left wondering about myself, the smallness of my mind for doubting him , but there was no guilt. There was a deep understanding but no guilt for having doubted him. And I promised myself to never doubt him again!!

Sri Sri Ravishankar

Next day, he met our whole batch again. He answered so many of our questions. I had one too. After he answered my question he winked at me. I thought intially it was normal and a part of the answer giving process which he follows. But then while someone else was speaking, he winked again at me. And I noticed that he was not doing it with other people-the winking thing. I wanted to have a personal connection with him and here he was, fulfilling that wish to!

On the last day, I gifted him some medicines for his hair fall control. He was so surprised. the expression on his face was so cute!! He finally left the ashram, waving his hand out of his Innova. He is the real rockstar!